I’ve had crazy dreams before, usually filled with blood or people with rotting flesh. That’s not unusual for me. Or dreams of Freddy, clowns, you name it. I don’t find them strange or “fucked up”…
…but this afternoon’s (yes afternoon… because I couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed this morning and just rolled over and went back to bed instead) dream was probably the most fucked up thing I’ve ever dreamt.
The first thing I remember from this dream is that I was walking in a back courtyard. It was cobblestone. Dim, yellow light in the night. It almost felt like I was in London or something. I was headed home for the night, and on my way, I passed a guy. As I glanced back over my shoulder, I noticed he had been checking out my ass. I remember I turned around to face him. I called him out on it and asked if he had a problem. He ran away. I remember a part of me felt like I had “won”… but another part of me decided to play it safe, so instead of walking directly home to where this guy could potentially follow me there, I hid and waited to see if he was going to turn around and come back my way.
He did…. but he knew where I was hiding. I started to run, but I wasn’t fast enough. He was trying to rape me. As I struggled to try to keep him off of me using one arm and my two legs, I tried calling a few people for help with my free arm. I tried calling two friends and my ex… only one friend answered, but nobody came to my rescue.
I eventually barely got away and kept running. I ran “home”… only to be held at gunpoint by a chick who somehow had something to do with the guy who was trying to rape me. Instead of shooting me, she turned the gun and shot herself through the mouth. Brains and blood splattered everywhere and I watched her body drop on the porch. I called the cops. They came to investigate.
I stepped back out for some fresh air and noticed around the corner, at some diner-looking place… was my recent ex and all of my friends, some former friends… all partying it up with a bunch of chicks. Too busy partying to come to my rescue when I needed it. I was alone.
In my dream, I remember collapsing to the curb. I buried my head in my hands and started crying. I remember telling myself, “I can’t fucking take this shit anymore.”
….then I woke up to find myself actually crying in real life.
That’s the first time that sort of thing has ever happened to me before and I’m not quite sure what to make of it. I just know I’ve been feeling unsettled all day since I woke up from that.
He said he didn’t see a future with me and I wasn’t worth trying to work on things for.
I think the worst part is that I’m the only one suffering here. And I have my distractions, whether it be video games or art or food or booze or actual people… but I don’t recall ever feeling this alone in my entire life.
Hey Sarah, I recently went through a depression that came with a breakup. I understand what you're going through, but remember, time heals all wounds... I know it sounds corny but it's so true. Take a moment to look at all the things you have in your life, not what you DON'T have... and you will be so much happier. Don't let anyone define who you are! Hope you have a great holiday. :)
As some of you know, I’ve been struggling with depression lately with the breakup, trying to cope with an old friend passing away, amongst a few other things that all decided to happen around the same time. It was overwhelming and I broke down. It happens to all of us. That’s life.
Unfortunately, what also happened this time is that a couple of people decided to stop being my friends because “my depression was too much for them.” It was an inconvenience to their good mood. Being that these were people who were closer to my recent ex than me, I didn’t expect them to “be there” for me in the same capacity that some of my best friends have been… but I never expected them to pack up their bags and ditch me, either. On top of that, they didn’t even really have the balls to say any of this TO ME, but, go figure, had no problem talking about it to others.
It made me wonder how they would react if their significant others ever hit a deep hole. Would they do the same that they did to what I thought was a good friendship? Good riddance, I suppose. Thanks for weeding yourselves out of my life. Who needs fairweather friends anyway?
When I made my farewells, I didn’t even bother with them. At all.
Of course, as soon as I decide to 100% cut them out of my life like cold sores… OF COURSE they’d try coming back. Funny, it just so happens to also be at a point in my life where I’m dealing with all of what’s happened a lot better than I was two months ago. Oh gee, HOW CONVENIENT.
You know what I’d like to say to that? “Go fuck yourselves.”